Sagging pants, sagging morals
Ignoring growing issue will endanger morals, possibly corrupt youth
By: Paul Bowers - Pleading the First
Posted: 10/13/08
There is a real menace in our midst that could implode polite society as we know it. That menace is the sagging of the pants.
People have a tendency to get cheeky when discussing this, but I assure you it is no laughing matter. You may not have noticed, but there are young men - living in this upstanding community, no less - who feel at liberty to flaunt their Fruit of the Looms with pant waists at half mast, leaving no question as to their affinity for Spider-Man or plaid patterns or Spongebob Squarepants or what-have-you.
Just think of the children!
Concerned officials across the nation have been passionately debating about this latest trend in hedonist clothing fashion. In our own fair state, members of Charleston City Council have been pushing to criminalize sagging, and I heartily applaud their efforts.
If we don't nip this in the bud, what's next? Socks being worn outside of shoes? Brassieres for hats? Pause with me to shudder.
You can imagine the consternation that filled the chambers when Charleston City Councilman Wendell Gilliard brought a mannequin in under his arm with pants lowered to demonstrate the sagging trend. I think we can all agree that Mr. Gilliard is a true statesman reminiscent of Thomas Jefferson, who once brought a stuffed bird before the Virginia House of Delegates to illustrate the evils of the then-rampant duck-punting trend.
And speaking of waterfowl, no one could have summed things up better than Councilman Tim Mallard, who talked about the importance of the proposed law in an Aug. 20 Charleston Post and Courier article.
"I don't care if it's unconstitutional. It sends a message," Mallard said, his words ringing true in an era of loose morals and looser belts. He understands that this great nation was founded by folks with their waistlines every bit as high as their moral standards.
Mr. Mallard leaves us no doubt as to what is under there.
The anti-sag movement is gaining momentum. In Fort Worth, Texas, Mayor Mike Moncrief wants to expand his wildly successful "Pull 'Em Up" campaign to include stickers on city vehicles.
"Wherever they go with their pants down around their ankles, they're going to see signs that say 'Don't do that,'" Moncrief said in a Sept. 23 Dallas Morning News article.
If there's one thing I know about young people, it's that they always respond favorably to a well-placed sign.
So far, Columbia City Council and Mayor Bob Coble have been conspicuously silent on this topic. If they do not make a stand soon, we must take to vigilante enforcement of community standards.
Let this be a warning to the degenerates of Columbia who insist on hanging their trousers low: We will not hesitate to grab your belt loops and set things in their proper place. It's probably no use running in those pants, anyhow.
If you've lost your moral compass, I recommend you check your pocket. And if you can't reach your pocket, then you're part of the problem.